From: http://www.sacbee.com/2011/12/06/4101603/carolyn-hax-mom-fears-her-high.html#mi_rss=Carolyn%20Hax
See below. So wise. I love Carolyn Hax.
DEAR CAROLYN: My daughter is 21 and finishing her senior year in
college. She's been dating a man she met in school for nearly two
years. They are talking about getting engaged soon. My daughter
has shared a lot of thoughts and feelings with me, and I have been
supportive of this relationship … until a couple of weeks ago. We
visited them for three days and I began to not feel so good about it.
It seems he is waiting to get serious about a job search until he knows
where she will go to graduate school. It also seems she is putting more
effort into applying to graduate schools in the geographic area he can
most easily get a job rather than schools with better programs to help
her career. I am concerned that "love goggles" are causing her to sell herself short. Also,
she is athletic and active; he is slow and sluggish. He was with us for
every meal, every activity, every day … and seemed too comfortable
allowing us to pay his way for all of it.
Perhaps I'm too picky, but I think that's a character indicator. I
wish they would postpone engagement until they are started on their
postgraduate lives. She can discern if this is the man she wants to
marry after she gets a glimpse of how he does in the real world. It is
easier to break up a dating relationship than an engagement – and she
may be more apt to choose the best graduate program for herself rather
than one that will best serve the relationship. My dilemma is what (if
anything) to say.
– Worried Mom
DEAR MOM: Nothing. The less
you say, the more credibility you have when you say something – and
you'll want that credibility when you have bigger things to say than,
"He's sluggish" and, "He might cost you a chance at a more impressive
graduate school."
As for letting you pay, don't judge: Broke college guys meeting their girlfriend's parents can be very compliant.
I'll
scooch out on a limb and venture that you raised your daughter with
great care and take pride in what both you and she have achieved. And,
accordingly, you have the odd misfortune of having ambitious dreams for
your child that hover within reach.
That's a setup that makes a
perfectly decent guy, as this one appears to be, seem like a crisis. But
unless he has a major untreated illness or addiction, or is cruel to
your daughter, or reckless with her safety, money or feelings – or
prompts her to behave badly – your daughter can manage it.
And
that means getting involved would be a no-confidence vote in this
accomplished young adult you raised. You have far more to lose from that
than you do from having a possibly complacent man in your daughter's
life … one she may well have chosen as relief from high expectations.
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